Hello readers, passers by and myself.
It has been an uncomfortable amount of time since I last talked here. Uncomfortable and life changing length of days. I say days because so much happens in a week or month that I feel we should take life one day at a time. I can see it was January I last posted, and I apologise- not that anyone reads this regularly- for my lack of attendance. I will at some point catch you up, because it is an exciting story; one of fear, hope, overflow, compassion, brokenness and wholeness. But for now a brief overview will suffice.
Long story short, after months of struggle and dejection of not having... pretty much anything going for me in life, God sent me to Florida to work in a church in Jacksonville. Never did I ever think America would be a place I'd visit. Or love for that matter. But I went- for ten weeks (to the day) and I fell in love. All of God's teachings that have been stored up in my internal memory for the past 19 years burst forth like the valves had been opened. I felt alive again. I felt like I never understood what it was to live ministry until I met those young teenagers who looked up to me for compassion and love and prayer and advice both within the church and without. The relationships I formed are embedded into my soul so deep no trowel could unearth the memories. The beauty of Christ was so brilliantly blinding all I could do was bask in it like those lazy Monday mornings down by the pool (Yep- I got Mondays off).
I could have stayed there forever. I wanted to stay there forever. I asked to stay there forever.
I was studying the story of Jacob in my free time (what little of it there was) and the Lord was continuously showing me how relatable Jacob's story was to me. At first it was the little things. Jacob's misunderstanding of the Lord's promise to be with him. Jacob's fear, his bitterness. Jacob ran. And when I asked God if I could stay, He said no. Pretty clearly. I needed no explanation; I didn't question it- I knew the matter-of-fact answer was home-time was a'comin'.
In Genesis (according to my notes) Jacob was fleeing from rejection; fear. He ends up far from home, away from everything he knew- far from his home. In this place God meets with him. In the middle of nowhere God gives a promise.
Jacob's in this foreign land with strangers and he works- he wants this woman for a wife. But he gets tricked and has to work twice as long and such. And essentially, in this time away from what he knows God teaches him a super valuable lesson. Of humility and grace and obedience and it's lovely. Probably hard as heck for old Jacob by gosh wasn't it worth it in the end. So he finds a new comfort here, and favour and everything is comin' up Millhouse over in Leban's house. He is succeeding, he has everything he needs and could ever want; amazing spotless herds, a stunning wife he adores, a family, servants and- and God meets him and says, "Go back."
Sorry God, say that again?
"Go back to the land of your fathers and to your relatives" (Gen 31)
Big words. Big, scary words. Words that makes you forget how to breathe for a few seconds and your insides go cold and blinking is just a thing of the past as your eyes lose focus on light and all I could see was the carpet blur in front of me as the same words which echoed through Jacob's soul resonated through mine as my heart prickled with tears.
Even now, reading back through the story and the details of the words the power of them in reflection to my own life is astounding. Wow.
So as the journey home was tattooed on my future, there were a few things I had to come to terms with. As I said, just like Jacob there were a few things I was dealing with (and avoiding... 4000 miles away) that needed to be swept away from my heart before they become residents instead of squatters. Fears, bitterness, pains needed to exit my heart so I could use that space for God's love to pour out in Derry just as much as it had been on my Springs' family. There were dark recesses I hadn't let God touch in my heart yet. And when there's dark gross places, mould starts to grow. The front half of the rock might be in the light and there might be cute lil' flowers and it might be a nice warm smooth stone, but if you don't let the light shine on all of it, there's gonna be some NASTY growths back there. Nobody wants a mouldy heart.
I had to offer that up. Before I left Derry, I had to pack. I had to choose which clothes would be suitable for my time away, which ones I needed to leave behind and what new items I needed to purchase whether here of after I got to my destination. Some of the old clothes that I didn't need anymore were bagged up and thrown out. That to me is such a powerful image.
God does not want us to carry the baggage and burdens of 'old' gross parts of us. He wants to to recognise the new and beautiful things he had provided for us to carry and to let the old things go so He can fill us with more of His glory.
There was a little part of me was still afraid, that I wouldn't fit in, that maybe I'd still be left out and have to face time alone before I moved to uni.
But back to that single verse in Gen 31- "Go back to the land of your fathers and to your relatives, AND I WILL BE WITH YOU"
It's funny how many times God had to say this to Jacob before Jacob actually started to believe it. But ain't we all Jacob eh!
I'm going to reverse in this story for a little while and talk about rocks again. Not rocks as hearts, but rocks as pillows. Earlier in the story in Genesis 28, Jake lays his wee head on a stone and has this dream about seeing a stairway to heaven (queue led zep clip) and God speaks to him. He gives him mad promises and finishes in verse 15 with "I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land." This land being the one he was fleeing. The place he didn't want to be, but that God wanted him to go to. Not yet though, after lots of other stuff happened. Jacob wasn't the person God needed him to be yet. He needed to be aware of God's work in him. He needed to be more mature and spiritually stronger to face what was behind him but this was all part of God's plan.
(There's a whole bit about his stone- pillow but that's a sermon for another time.)
So he goes to Paddan Aram, Leban's house and becomes fruitful. He is blessed there; blessed more than he has ever known in his life. What a journey! But this was only for a season, and he took what he was given here and left to return to the land of his relatives. A little while later, after Leban catches up and ends up Blessing Jacob, praying with him and then Jacob goes to prepare himself for meeting his brother Esau, the one he had been running from in the first place. This could be doom. This is Jacob potentially getting ready to meet his demise and struggles with God, wrestling him until he let's God have his way. A picture of my heart on preparation to return. I needed to remember that I lean on God's strength to face what he puts before me, not my own. Jacob begins to realise that he needs to be in right terms with his brother- "Just let me find favour" is the cry of an outcast man. And Esau RAN to him. He welcomed him with open arms. And they wept.
They wept. To be honest, I was so nervous about coming home. The thought of being the same outcast I was before I left choked me. When I got to my house after nearly 22 hours of traveling I walking into my living room to be met by the faces I'd left behind. A banner of "Welcome Home Jenny" taped to the blinds. Balloons of the American flag hung on the mantle piece and the floor filled with faces delighted at my return. They hugged me. I cried. Oh my gosh how I cried. I broke my own heart because of how foolish I had been. I found favour in the place I feared.
God took me on this incredible journey. My time away changed me. Not because of where I was but the God who brought me there and what he taught me whilst being there. I understand now there were reasons he brought me home. Reasons known but mostly unknown. Mostly, just to know the when He said He's be with me, He meant it.
But I can't shake this feeling that Florida is now just a distant memory. It's a dream- like fuzz in my head. I think about it- I think about the people every day but it's more like a dream I had in my child hood and fictional events I created.
Rückkehrunruhe: The feeling of returning home after an immersive trip only to find it fading rapidly from your memory.
I remember finding this word mere weeks after being in back in Derry. And breaking down in tears because it felt like the period of such great significance for me was now just a souvenir in the back of mind and some photos. I feel like I watched a phenomenal movie, but now I can't remember some of the scenes, and the sound track is blurred. There's disconnection from me and the screen. There's no interaction between that story and my current reality.
And maybe that's okay. Maybe that period has passed. I still have the souvenirs, but they're on the shelf above my bed at home.
You know, I've struggled with this for such a long time. And there's still part of me healing from hurts of the return, with people and stuff.
But after Jacob and Leban parted ways, their lives went on. They both had learned from what had happened; they had the lessons and the strengths but they lived on, striving for their goal, even though they were apart.
There's bits I've left out on purpose, mostly because names would be intrusive and maybe some of those people aren't aware of their part in this story, but the fact of the matter remains that although I shared this message to explain part of my life, the crowning factor is that God made this rich and glorious promise that he would be with me.
I had to learn to trust. Repeatedly. Before I left, there was a period where I knew nothing. I mean zilch. And the only reassurance I had was to trust God- not what He would do, but just that who He is was enough. I needed financial support- and the same God who told me to trust him provided. I heard the call to return home and I didn't know why but He never owed me an explanation, so I just trusted that He was with me. And He was. He always has been and always will be. Even when I didn't want it, didn't look for it or simply didn't realise it God was in this place. This place. He is here. In your now. He Is.
Someone remind me to keep documenting. There's so much more to tell of how Great God is.
Peace y'all
It has been an uncomfortable amount of time since I last talked here. Uncomfortable and life changing length of days. I say days because so much happens in a week or month that I feel we should take life one day at a time. I can see it was January I last posted, and I apologise- not that anyone reads this regularly- for my lack of attendance. I will at some point catch you up, because it is an exciting story; one of fear, hope, overflow, compassion, brokenness and wholeness. But for now a brief overview will suffice.
Long story short, after months of struggle and dejection of not having... pretty much anything going for me in life, God sent me to Florida to work in a church in Jacksonville. Never did I ever think America would be a place I'd visit. Or love for that matter. But I went- for ten weeks (to the day) and I fell in love. All of God's teachings that have been stored up in my internal memory for the past 19 years burst forth like the valves had been opened. I felt alive again. I felt like I never understood what it was to live ministry until I met those young teenagers who looked up to me for compassion and love and prayer and advice both within the church and without. The relationships I formed are embedded into my soul so deep no trowel could unearth the memories. The beauty of Christ was so brilliantly blinding all I could do was bask in it like those lazy Monday mornings down by the pool (Yep- I got Mondays off).
I could have stayed there forever. I wanted to stay there forever. I asked to stay there forever.
I was studying the story of Jacob in my free time (what little of it there was) and the Lord was continuously showing me how relatable Jacob's story was to me. At first it was the little things. Jacob's misunderstanding of the Lord's promise to be with him. Jacob's fear, his bitterness. Jacob ran. And when I asked God if I could stay, He said no. Pretty clearly. I needed no explanation; I didn't question it- I knew the matter-of-fact answer was home-time was a'comin'.
In Genesis (according to my notes) Jacob was fleeing from rejection; fear. He ends up far from home, away from everything he knew- far from his home. In this place God meets with him. In the middle of nowhere God gives a promise.
Jacob's in this foreign land with strangers and he works- he wants this woman for a wife. But he gets tricked and has to work twice as long and such. And essentially, in this time away from what he knows God teaches him a super valuable lesson. Of humility and grace and obedience and it's lovely. Probably hard as heck for old Jacob by gosh wasn't it worth it in the end. So he finds a new comfort here, and favour and everything is comin' up Millhouse over in Leban's house. He is succeeding, he has everything he needs and could ever want; amazing spotless herds, a stunning wife he adores, a family, servants and- and God meets him and says, "Go back."
Sorry God, say that again?
"Go back to the land of your fathers and to your relatives" (Gen 31)
Big words. Big, scary words. Words that makes you forget how to breathe for a few seconds and your insides go cold and blinking is just a thing of the past as your eyes lose focus on light and all I could see was the carpet blur in front of me as the same words which echoed through Jacob's soul resonated through mine as my heart prickled with tears.
Even now, reading back through the story and the details of the words the power of them in reflection to my own life is astounding. Wow.
So as the journey home was tattooed on my future, there were a few things I had to come to terms with. As I said, just like Jacob there were a few things I was dealing with (and avoiding... 4000 miles away) that needed to be swept away from my heart before they become residents instead of squatters. Fears, bitterness, pains needed to exit my heart so I could use that space for God's love to pour out in Derry just as much as it had been on my Springs' family. There were dark recesses I hadn't let God touch in my heart yet. And when there's dark gross places, mould starts to grow. The front half of the rock might be in the light and there might be cute lil' flowers and it might be a nice warm smooth stone, but if you don't let the light shine on all of it, there's gonna be some NASTY growths back there. Nobody wants a mouldy heart.
I had to offer that up. Before I left Derry, I had to pack. I had to choose which clothes would be suitable for my time away, which ones I needed to leave behind and what new items I needed to purchase whether here of after I got to my destination. Some of the old clothes that I didn't need anymore were bagged up and thrown out. That to me is such a powerful image.
God does not want us to carry the baggage and burdens of 'old' gross parts of us. He wants to to recognise the new and beautiful things he had provided for us to carry and to let the old things go so He can fill us with more of His glory.
There was a little part of me was still afraid, that I wouldn't fit in, that maybe I'd still be left out and have to face time alone before I moved to uni.
But back to that single verse in Gen 31- "Go back to the land of your fathers and to your relatives, AND I WILL BE WITH YOU"
It's funny how many times God had to say this to Jacob before Jacob actually started to believe it. But ain't we all Jacob eh!
I'm going to reverse in this story for a little while and talk about rocks again. Not rocks as hearts, but rocks as pillows. Earlier in the story in Genesis 28, Jake lays his wee head on a stone and has this dream about seeing a stairway to heaven (queue led zep clip) and God speaks to him. He gives him mad promises and finishes in verse 15 with "I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land." This land being the one he was fleeing. The place he didn't want to be, but that God wanted him to go to. Not yet though, after lots of other stuff happened. Jacob wasn't the person God needed him to be yet. He needed to be aware of God's work in him. He needed to be more mature and spiritually stronger to face what was behind him but this was all part of God's plan.
(There's a whole bit about his stone- pillow but that's a sermon for another time.)
So he goes to Paddan Aram, Leban's house and becomes fruitful. He is blessed there; blessed more than he has ever known in his life. What a journey! But this was only for a season, and he took what he was given here and left to return to the land of his relatives. A little while later, after Leban catches up and ends up Blessing Jacob, praying with him and then Jacob goes to prepare himself for meeting his brother Esau, the one he had been running from in the first place. This could be doom. This is Jacob potentially getting ready to meet his demise and struggles with God, wrestling him until he let's God have his way. A picture of my heart on preparation to return. I needed to remember that I lean on God's strength to face what he puts before me, not my own. Jacob begins to realise that he needs to be in right terms with his brother- "Just let me find favour" is the cry of an outcast man. And Esau RAN to him. He welcomed him with open arms. And they wept.
They wept. To be honest, I was so nervous about coming home. The thought of being the same outcast I was before I left choked me. When I got to my house after nearly 22 hours of traveling I walking into my living room to be met by the faces I'd left behind. A banner of "Welcome Home Jenny" taped to the blinds. Balloons of the American flag hung on the mantle piece and the floor filled with faces delighted at my return. They hugged me. I cried. Oh my gosh how I cried. I broke my own heart because of how foolish I had been. I found favour in the place I feared.
God took me on this incredible journey. My time away changed me. Not because of where I was but the God who brought me there and what he taught me whilst being there. I understand now there were reasons he brought me home. Reasons known but mostly unknown. Mostly, just to know the when He said He's be with me, He meant it.
But I can't shake this feeling that Florida is now just a distant memory. It's a dream- like fuzz in my head. I think about it- I think about the people every day but it's more like a dream I had in my child hood and fictional events I created.
Rückkehrunruhe: The feeling of returning home after an immersive trip only to find it fading rapidly from your memory.
I remember finding this word mere weeks after being in back in Derry. And breaking down in tears because it felt like the period of such great significance for me was now just a souvenir in the back of mind and some photos. I feel like I watched a phenomenal movie, but now I can't remember some of the scenes, and the sound track is blurred. There's disconnection from me and the screen. There's no interaction between that story and my current reality.
And maybe that's okay. Maybe that period has passed. I still have the souvenirs, but they're on the shelf above my bed at home.
You know, I've struggled with this for such a long time. And there's still part of me healing from hurts of the return, with people and stuff.
But after Jacob and Leban parted ways, their lives went on. They both had learned from what had happened; they had the lessons and the strengths but they lived on, striving for their goal, even though they were apart.
There's bits I've left out on purpose, mostly because names would be intrusive and maybe some of those people aren't aware of their part in this story, but the fact of the matter remains that although I shared this message to explain part of my life, the crowning factor is that God made this rich and glorious promise that he would be with me.
I had to learn to trust. Repeatedly. Before I left, there was a period where I knew nothing. I mean zilch. And the only reassurance I had was to trust God- not what He would do, but just that who He is was enough. I needed financial support- and the same God who told me to trust him provided. I heard the call to return home and I didn't know why but He never owed me an explanation, so I just trusted that He was with me. And He was. He always has been and always will be. Even when I didn't want it, didn't look for it or simply didn't realise it God was in this place. This place. He is here. In your now. He Is.
Someone remind me to keep documenting. There's so much more to tell of how Great God is.
Peace y'all